Having abstained from sex while dating, (for almost eight years), I think I have the audacity to share with you what worked for me, for us.
I’m also sharing because some people who know our story have asked how we did it.
HOW TO ABSTAIN FROM PREMARITAL SEX
It should be patently obvious to all of us that we live in a sex-mad culture, we live in a culture that is indulging itself in every conceivable and inconceivable sexual activity.
Not only is sexual sin tolerated and seen as a norm, and not just being tolerated and advocated, it is promoted, marketed through every media means possible.
Thus, it’s unimaginable to say that there are still sexually chaste people around, those who choose the path of sexual purity.
Evident to this was the thick disbelief that accompanied our story on popular blogs and websites when it went viral some few years ago.
To some, it was so impossible for anyone to remain sexually chaste, let alone two dating individuals who dated for almost eight years.
Regardless of all this and due to popular demand, I have been asked by several people who really desire to, how they could avoid premarital sex. Thus, I have decided to write a post to explain this.
1. Please know that the journey to sexual purity begins with a choice: your personal choice.
I have learnt early in life that all of my life’s decisions start with a choice and I am solely responsible for making that choice which includes the decision to remain chaste. You’ve to know that even the devil can’t make you do what you don’t want to do.
Thus, if you want to abstain from premarital sex, you must realize that it’s your sole responsibility to choose that path and sustain the path you’ve chosen.
2. Debunk any sexual chastity impossibility myth you’ve grown with. Several young girls have been made to believe that sex is the only solution to painful menstrual periods and some other myths life has taught us. Now, you’ve to understand that whoever told you or whatever book you’ve read that stated sexual chastity was impossible didn’t know better.
Society may have told us it’s impossible for two people to date without sex, but sometimes, the norm doesn’t mean it’s the right thing.
Remember, if you think sexual purity is an impossible task, you’ll probably never be able to achieve the same. People don’t achieve whatever they’ve thought to be impossible.
3. Ensure you’re with a partner whose sexual values align with yours. This is very important because you both can’t walk together if you can’t agree.
I am not talking about a partner who just wants to escort you on your own journey. Neither am I talking about a partner who only wants to go on the journey because of you.
I am talking about a partner who has also made the personal decision to remain chaste separate from yours.
When people ask me how possible it was to stay sexually chaste for almost 8 years that we dated, it was possible because I had a guy whose personal convictions were independent of mine.
Hubby didn’t choose this path because I wanted it. He had made this choice before he even met me. Read this again. He had chosen to remain chaste way before we met. Thus, when one person was on a slippery slope, the other was there to help.
I have spoken with singles and many of the problems I see is that while one person believes in sexual purity, the party doesn’t, therefore, putting intense pressure on only one party. It’s hardly gonna work this way. If it does, then the active party must take several doses of self-control.
4, Be vigilant over your eyes. Avoid unnecessary stimulation. I say this because many people consciously put themselves in very tempting sexual temptations either with their dating partners or with men generally.
If you don’t wanna have sex, do not go sexting any man/woman. It’s only going to take a short while before you act all you’ve been doing. Also, do not go to sexually stimulating environments. Do not have an unclear relationship with anyone.
Remember the devil knows possibles that could make you fall. It’s wise for you to know them too and avoid them like plagues.
5. Ponder on the dangers of sexual sins. Think about how complicated life could become for you if you got pregnant at this time or if you had to father a child at this stage in your life.
Think about the child you have to bring into the world which you’ll not be ready for. Think of the temporal shift and adjustments your life could take. Girls are often the ones are the brunt edge of this stick, it is, therefore, wise that any lady who gives in to sexual pressure from any man understands what she’s going into. If you must do it, lay your cards down and be clear that you’re giving in to sex with your eyes wide open.
Personally, that was one thing that kept me in check. Sex if resulting in pregnancy would mean that I would have to put a pause on my career. It meant that I’d no longer have the freedom to go all my dreams entailed. It means that I’d suddenly be saddled with the responsibility of raising a child when I am not ready for such. I don’t even want to mention the trauma abortion brings and the regrets that often surround such acts.
6, This is not a popular opinion but it’s what has worked for me, for us. Request for God’s help in abstaining from sex.
I knew and understood how privileged I was to always request and have God’s help available. I knew that if I don’t know how to request for help if I didn’t know I could request for help, I’d keep falling into the same temptation over and over again. Konji would keep oppressing me and one day, I may give in.
Do you know that heaven has a 24-7 emergency hotline? Psalms 50 vs 15 states this clearly. For me, I call it my microwave prayer. When the sexual feelings were too impossible to bear, I don’t often have the time to pray long lengthy prayers or to start reciting my purity confessions. I don’t even remember to speak in tongues. Hain! In my despair, I’d cry out to God always in a whisper. He ALWAYS comes through.
Similarly, the Bible reassures us that God always hears our cry for help because Jesus is sympathetic to our struggles. It always worked for me. My own responsibility is to cry for help. His own responsibility is to always find an escape route for me.
The truth is that God is always willing to help us defeat a temptation but most times, we don’t want to be helped. We do this by thinking that we can go through it on our own. We think we know what’s best for us. We think we’ve gone too far to be helped. For instance, somebody said, if you’ve been sexually active in the past, it difficult to defeat a sexual temptation. But that’s not true. Jesus’ help isn’t only for those who haven’t been sexually active. He helps all. Regardless.
Some other times, we often feel embarrassed calling for God’s help over and over again. But the Bible reassures that God’s patience never runs out. Hence, even if it means crying out to God’s help over and over again: a hundred times in a second, God’s always eager to help us. Ask Him for the power to do the avoid premarital sex and expect Him to provide it.
The problem is often that many believe that sexual urges aren’t that part of our lives where we should cry out for help. Or many of us are looking to pray lengthy prayers thinking that’s what God honours. Some other times, we think that praying to defeat sexual urges isn’t a logical step. But if you don’t expect to be helped, God can’t help you either. The Bible says, let not a double-minded man think he’d receive anything from the Lord.
7. Try to avoid other sexual acts that could lead to sex – Kissing. Smooching. Fingering. etc. Rather than actually demonstrate our sexual urges, we spoke them out often. That helped a lot because we were only free to talk about our urges but never to demonstrate it to either of us.
For instance, rather than actually kiss and smooch, we’d say things like, ‘I really feel like kissing you.’ ‘What does it feel to even give a blow job?’ I asked him this when I read about blow jobs. Lol.
Understand that talking wasn’t to create unnecessary sexual images in our minds but was to freely express the urges we felt. Sin thrives in secrecy. Talking provided an escape route for us which silence couldn’t have done.
8. Learn to express your emotional desires to each other in public – Holding hands, hugs, pecks etc. in public places will build your confidence in each other, cement your affection for one another and also build trust, whilst letting out your emotional feelings because you’re not putting yourself under any pressure when you are together.
Furthermore, concentrate on actual activities than on giving in to your sexual urges.
Whenever we saw or were together was not the time to start smooching and kissing. It was time to talk and talk. Talk about how we wanted our marriage to look like. Talk about our home. We transferred our sexual urges to actual activities. When there was nothing to talk about, we played games or we just went home.
9. Be accountable to godly people. I mean people who believe in the possibility of the journey you’re embarking on. People who would spur your decision to keep it going. People who believe in its possibility. Please be far away from people who think it’s not possible. We hardly had friends who didn’t believe in sexual purity. If there were, we were not permitted to listen to them, let alone, think as for them.
We were also accountable to people. Friends and family. Many people knew we were both abstinence advocates and so it was impossible for us to fall. Many people say I talk about ‘sex-starved” all the time, but it was also a way to get people to know what I stand for which often kept me in check. If you’re not bold or definite about what you stand for, chances are that you’ll fall for anything.
10., Know that konji “sex starvation” visits would come whether you invited him or not. For me, it came after I turned 26. It may come earlier for you or later. But this is not to give in fear but to be well-armed with all possible solutions. Remember the sole decision you made. Remember that you don’t have to give in to sexual temptations. Remember you can choose to give in or not. Remember the consequences of giving in. Remember you’re accountable to some people.
11. Please take the journey a day at a time. This is for those who are dating now but wouldn’t be getting married much later.
Concentrate on working through and trusting God for the grace for today, rather than looking at the possibility of scaling through for the next say 5 years, if that’s when you’ll be getting married, for instance.
The danger of fixing your eyes on your big day whether you know the date or not is that it rubs you of focusing on being chaste a day at a time.
God only gives us grace for today. When tomorrow comes, He’ll provide that one. We shouldn’t bother our heads with the hows because the problem arises when we try to use today’s grace for tomorrow’s struggles.
Finally, please note that sexual purity like every other main decision of your life is a deliberate act. You don’t just ‘wish’ to be chaste. You ‘choose’ to be chaste. Thus, you need practical and precise steps to sustain yourself in this journey.
Written by Omobolanle Adeyemo.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR.
Omobolanle is called Omoby by friends and family. She is a professional Quantity Surveyor and Construction Manager, a Writer, an Author and a Relationship Counselor. She holds a Masters Degree in Construction Management from Sheffield Hallam University, United Kingdom. Having undertaken her Bachelor’s Degree in Quantity Surveying from the Federal University of Technology, Akure, Nigeria.
Omoby started her working career with a Lagos-based Quantity Surveying firm and continued with other Prestigious Construction/ Quantity Surveying Firms where she has gained practical experience in Building Construction, Mechanical and Building Services, Civil and Heavy Engineering Projects.
Omoby holds membership qualifications with the Canadian Institute of Quantity Surveyors (CIQS), Canada, the Nigerian Institute of Quantity Surveyors (NIQS), Nigeria, the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors (RICS) and the Chartered Institute of Building (CIOB), both in the United Kingdom and she’s currently undergoing her doctorate degree.
Omoby has a passionate interest in building construction and engineering projects and a parallel passion for counselling and teaching singles in areas of relationships, careers and purpose.
She is a social media influencer and the founder of Achieving Sexual Purity (ASP) Network on Facebook, Whatsapp and Instagram, a group committed to raising a sexually pure generation. Omoby is also an inspirational speaker and a sexual purity advocate.
Her message boils down on teaching young ladies and men to maximize their single life whilst waiting for their knight in shining armour. She teaches that marriage is not all a woman is made. Below is her social media link
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