WOMEN NEED MARRIAGE FOR NOTHING
Written By Esiri Ukueku Uduaghan.
WARNING: I’m approaching this topic from a PRAGMATIC and CEREBRAL point of view, SO PLEASE if you do not possess the ability to reason within those boundaries (i.e Religious and Moral Police) please swerve to the left. 😊Thank you.
Here we go👇
Growing up in a patriarchal society as a young girl, you are socially engineered to look forward to your wedding day.
I guess it’s something in the breast milk female babies are fed🤣.
Your Wedding day is the ultimate day of your life and you are expected to look forward to it with dreamy eyes and butterflies in your tummy.
Having also been inundated with societal orientations from books like Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Rapunzel, Sleeping beauty and movies like Sound of music, the need for marriage as a woman is instilled in you by default.
As women get done with high school and proceed to their various higher institutions of learning, the desire to graduate from that institution with 2 certificates becomes the primary dream of most women.. (ie Marriage certificate and Bachelor’s degree certificate.)
Unfortunately, some women go as far as foregoing the latter for the former, completely unperturbed and ignorant of the effects of that decision.
This is based on the mindset that once they have a marriage, who needs an educational certificate?🤦♀
Some women even get married off before they can complete their high school education.
A single woman who graduates from the higher institution gets done with her NYSC and lands a good-paying job is perceived by society as incomplete.
Why is this so?
She is unmarried and therefore getting married should be her super-priority above anything else and until that occurs she is perceived & mentally conditioned to be unsettled, which is why people associate getting married with the concept of “settling down.”
Society has pulled a ball of thick wool over the eyes of women in this regard. Marital Expectations are kept hanging over the heads of women as something of an achievement but no one bothers to tell us why.
Yes!! Why exactly? Why must women get married? Why exactly is there a need for marriage?
If I find a man who loves me as I love him, why must we get married?
What stops us from dating and loving ourselves in perpetuity outside of the boundaries of Marriage?
When it comes to education, we are told why it’s important. When it comes to having babies, we are told of its importance. But Marriage? What’s it’s relevance to a woman? What exactly does a married woman gain from a marriage that cannot be gained in 10 folds by a Single woman outside a marital union?
Ladies & Gentlemen, the pragmatic answer to that question up there, void of sentiments of any kind is – Nothing.
Marriage affords a woman No Benefit that be cannot be accessed outside of it.
Well, some people will disagree with me vehemently. The popular notion is that “WOMEN NEED MARRIAGE MORE THAN MEN”.
Now, if there ever was a fallacious statement loaded with Bull Crap, you are looking at it up there 👆🏿 in CAPS LOCK.
Below are some of the BASELESS reasons people proffer as to why Marriage is and should majorly be a female NEED. Lets put them to the test, Shall We?
1. CHILDREN: 🤣🤣🤣
This one cracks me up all the freaking time. Like seriously? No single woman who has a child today required the institution of marriage to have one.
I’m pretty sure most of us studied biology in school and were taught what factors bring about babies, and a distinctly absent factor is Marriage.
Marriage does not make a baby. Some women have no babies today because they are married to the wrong match biologically. Perhaps, if they were single and trying for a baby with a few good men,😉 ding! ding! Baby Bells!!! 🎊 🎉
Now, the only factor that attaches babies to marriage is SENTIMENTS. Religious Sentiments & Moral Sentiments.
This is why you would find a 38 yr old woman who could care for her baby financially and otherwise, refusing to get pregnant or undertaking an abortion because our harmful societal construct has mentally conditioned her to believe that she should only have babies within the confines of wedlock.
Well … Good luck with that🙄
One thing is sure, the roles of the Husband & Wife, as established by Marriage, are not necessary for parenting. The necessary roles are Father & Mother, and committed parents can effectively Co-parent their child/children outside the bonds of marriage.
😀🤣🤣 Pardon my laughter, this is one reason for marriage that gets me cracking up so bad.
Sex? Did I hear you say Sex?
Listen!! I can tell you for free that single women have much more sex than married women. A lot of married women had much more sex with their chosen spouses when they were dating than they are having after marriage.
Sex, and I mean the toe-curling, earth-shattering, life-changing Kind, is not something you require marriage to experience. Nope!! it’s not. You can completely experience good lovemaking outside of marital confines. The majority of women do.
Let’s be real, what was good sex gradually becomes boring routine dutiful sex within marriage. Sustaining Sexual chemistry after & within marriage is something a lot of couples struggle with.
It’s such a travesty, to be honest. But speaking frankly (if you would let me) Sex is one of the major reasons marriage is detrimental to women.
Why? I’ll tell you👇
Medical reports show that 50% of men begin to experience a decline in sex drive from age 40. Erectile dysfunction is a thing and it begins to affect 50% of men from the age of 40.
Now that’s a ginormous percentage if you ask me. But guess what? On the flip side, reports show that a lot of women experience a significant rise in sex drive from the age of 40.
So what do we have here?👉 You see that moment when a woman is at her sexual peak, bursting with hormones, yearning for mind-blowing orgasms and squirting experiences, she is probably tied down by MARRIAGE to a man whose sexual libido is dysfunctional or tanking.
In what world is this sort of disappointment a blessing?
Now, women require orgasms and sexual pleasures to keep looking young, fresh, happy and boisterous at that age. But are they getting it within marriage? Nope, Nopidy, Nope, most of them aren’t.
A lot of married women do not have a healthy sex life with their partners, for too many reasons you can imagine, and so a woman who craves sex 15 times a week is having it.. let’s say – once in 8months😧 (or worse), no orgasms guaranteed. Whereas if she were single 😜 – your guess is as good as mine.
Considering most men can’t boast of 2 packs🙄let alone 6 😜, the security referred to here is not that of the protective kind but the financial kind.
In the olden days, people “ married up” to elevate their families’ financial or social status. Marriage was not primarily based on love.
But what do we have today? What percentage of our male population are wealthy? What percentage of our female population are poor? What percentage of women are married to men who can afford to give them and their families Financial Security in the full sense of the word?
We all know that the affluent amongst us prefer to marry the Opulent in society. The exceptions are very few. These people love to mingle in their circle. They desire to associate with people within their social class and not below.
And amongst the few middle or lower class women (if any) who marry amongst the wealthy, how many of these women actually become wealthy by virtue of marriage.
Yes!! We know. They drive expensive cars registered in their husband’s names, live in houses built and owned by their husbands, own shops rented by their husbands etc, and if for any reason that marriage comes to an end, they drop right to the floor with little or nothing to fall back on.
4. KEEPING A MAN:
Some women are advised to go into marriage in order to keep a good man, because, apparently – Men Are Scarce.
I hear you!! 😏Men are not Scarce, it’s good Men that are scarce. But guess what, good women are just as Scarce. So why aren’t Men pressured to go into marriage when they find a good woman?.
A lot of men toss and mess around with good women only to dump them for the next available woman, irrespective of whether she’s Good or Bad and then on to the next and the next.
Do you know why?
This is because unlike women, men are not pressured by the notion that women are scarce. Neither are they pressured by the issues of biological clocks and the likes. Women are, but in fact, we shouldn’t be.
If your biological clock is running up the ladder … Have a baby!!!!
It’s so much easier for a woman to decide to get pregnant and conceive within a week of making that decision than it is for a man to get a woman who will conceive and carry his baby to full term without the Marriage Obligation. But societal sentiments and mental conditionings have held women bound by invisible shackles.
If your man is not treating you right, dump him and move to the next, and the next and the next, you can even keep multiple for multiple purposes. But No!! Societal sentiments won’t let you, because you are stifled by the notion of body counts.
But what are these things? Are they tangible rational logical reasonings based on restraining factors? No. They are mere sentiments.
Men are not scarce. There are men everywhere. When it comes to men, most Single and Married men are Available 🤣🤣 Anyone who challenges this fact should try paying a visit to women’s inboxes. Marriage in itself does not keep a man. Neither a ring nor a marriage certificate can keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept.
5. SOCIAL STATUS:
This is the mother of all useless sentiments. The “Mrs.” The title is totally and fully based on societal pressures. It is completely void of rationality. What does the title “Mrs” really and truly afford a woman? Does it guarantee, Peace,love, Companionship, Health, Wealth, Respect, Solvency etc. No, it doesn’t.
There are single women who are basking in all of these benefits and married women who are labouring under the absence of them abound. These are not benefits marriage affords you, these are benefits any person could get rolling with the right circle of people.
6. SOCIAL LIFE:
For many married women, this dies instantly. As a married woman there are certain things you can’t do, certain friends you can’t keep, certain places you can’t go, certain ways you can’t dress ~Says Society.
While the men get to hang out with the boys every other evening at the pub, drinking, smoking, watching football and the likes, a woman is home nursing babies and attending to house chores
For many, their dreams of seeing the world and going on vacations to exciting places are completely foregone.
Going to see a movie is a luxury, let alone reading a book. Hell!! Some peace for a few minutes is a luxury…
Most men after marriage completely stop dating their wives. no fancy dinners, no hangouts, no special time together. The romance and public displays of affection come to an abrupt halt.
Life as you know it is over and a barricade of stress, nurturing babies & Husband is your new life long responsibility for a good 25 yrs or more depending on the number of children you have. By the time you are done, you are well over your 50’s and it feels like your whole life has blown passed you.
Most Men just up and go, achieving their dreams, travelling for business meetings, some men even take their vacations separate from their wives and children.. Go Figure😏
I could go on about every single reason women have been told marriage is more beneficial to them and you’ll find it’s all lies. I cannot point at one single superior benefit that women gain from being married.
Some people would argue from the legal angle of inheritance for the children, but if a man makes his will and assigns properties to his children, they will get it whether or not he is married to their mother.
If he dies intestate (without a will) his children would be entitled to a share of his properties, whether or not he was married to their mother.
If a couple is merely cohabiting or co-parenting and they make the smart decision of jointly acquiring assets backed by legal documents, at the demise of either party the surviving party would have all of those properties fully reverted to him/her with full ownership vested in them. You don’t need marriage for this to happen.
The joys of love, companionship, friendship and support can all be enjoyed outside the confines of marriage.
In my opinion, Women give away and continue to give away so much in marriage and what do they get in return…
Firstly, most women lose their names, letting go of their known identity up until they get married to take up a man’s name.
In our neck of the woods, the title of a wife is akin to a newly acquired maid.
Wife Meaning – The female spouse of heterosexual marriage, in charge of cooking, cleaning, nursing babies and husband, who is still expected to go out and work to bring home the bacon.
A hot sexy lady gets married and she gets pregnant, her body suffers a barricade of stress attacks from top to bottom for at least 36weeks.
She LABORS to have the baby through a life and death medical procedure and is faced with breastfeeding, stretch marks, a protruding sometimes drooping tummy, skin tone change, flat boobs, depression amidst other debilitating factors thereafter, which all cumulate to vest in a man (whose major contribution to this whole process was merely to enjoy the pleasures of sex) the title of – Father! Wonderful.
Please Note, that marriage is the surest way for men to lay claims to their babies as fathers. If a woman is married and she has a baby, the presumption is that her husband is the Father.
We do know that in some Nigerian cultures where a man doesn’t marry a woman and she has a baby, that baby would belong to the woman’s family.
Save for DNA, how does a man lay claim to his baby, in a baby mama situation. The mother of a child is always known, and it’s whoever the Mother says is the father that is the father.
In advanced countries, a woman can elect to register her baby without stating a father. She can merely state that the father of the child is not involved in his life and the child would be registered accordingly. An interested father would have to go to court to get that revoked after first of all proving that he is indeed the father.
And when this baby is named 8 days later whose name does he bear? Say what? Louder? Again? The Man’s. Great!
So we go through all of that only to give our babies a man’s identity right after losing ours. Awesome Benefit🙄
When that baby girl is about to get married, who walks her down the aisle and gives her away. Father. Amazing!😏
When the all famous patriarchal Bride price is paid, who dictates it and receives it.. – Father. Interesting! 🤦♀
So what exactly is the benefit/ advantage of Marriage to women to create a basis for the widely spread notion that – Women Need Marriage or worse, that Women Need Marriage More Than Men.
The Purveyors of this school of thought did so knowing fully well that Men reap from Marital pressures put on women and as usual women who have internalized patriarchy, being products of their orientation go out pontificating this nonsense over the rooftops.
Nothing could be farthest from the truth. It is fundamentally untrue. What is true rather, is that women would fare a lot better without marriage.
So, if you are a married man who once believed this notion, wipe it off your head. You are not doing your wife a favour and no man is doing any woman a favour by marrying her.
Women need to understand – you do not NEED marriage as a necessity. It is truly merely a want.
Marry if you want, and Don’t if you don’t. But if you do choose to get married, Marry that man because HE LOVES YOU as you do him, and he wants to SHARE the rest of his life with you ( TREATING YOU RIGHT) as you do him.
Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP OF EQUALS. No one should make you feel like they are doing you a favour.
About the author:
Esiri Ukueku- Uduaghan, is the founder and CEO of a reputable skincare company “Tjaimi Essential Oils” based in Nigeria. She is a super mom, a women’s rights advocate, writer, a lawyer and Managing Partner at Gerald Raphael & Partners (GRP) In Nigeria. She is also a cosmetician and a food aficionado.
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